So today I got fired and although it didn't come as a shock, I was still taken a back and a little disappointed. Getting fired sucks and I cant help but feel like a loser, but that doesn't mean it'll keep me from growing or falling into despair. I want to use this opportunity to redirect my career and create a better path that will make me happy but, before I continue, let me start from the beginning.
When I first moved to Portland, it was a very emotional and turbulent time in my life. I had decided to move to Portland about a month or so before I set everything in to stone. I was living in Rochester New York at the time and felt I was feeling static. I felt like I wasn't growing professionally or personally, so I decided that I needed to leave. However, I wanted to do more than that and challenge myself by moving somewhere I had never been to with a minimal amount of friends, little did I know a huge unfortunate event was about to unfold.
A few days before my flight to Portland, I was at home packing the last of my things. My roommates had gone back to visit their families and my friends had just left after helping my pack to go to a concert. I was about to doze off until I my phone began to buzz and it was from my younger brother. I thought it was strange, as my brother never calls me. Then, he said those haunting words:
"We don't have a sister anymore"
My sister had just passed away and that caused a hurricane of emotion that changed all of my set plans. I had to go to my parents home for the funeral proceedings and took a break from work and life for a couple of weeks before proceeding with my plans to move to Portland. I was an emotional wreck even while being in Portland which made me make some poor decisions which led me to where I am now.
I ended up working for iGrafx because I was scouted. At the time, I was still working for my previous company based in New York, but I had made an ultimatum for myself. I wanted to leave the company and find work here in Portland. After several empty leads, I got a scouting interview with iGrafx and ended up getting hired as an additional last minute add. As someone who was still struggling emotionally and mentally, I needed some sort of stability. And so, I immediately accepted the offer without thinking about what I wanted in terms of career growth and what I wanted to work on.
Now, don't get me wrong, I am eternally grateful to iGrafx and although short, I did enjoy many aspects of working there. My coworkers were all extremely helpful and there was a heavy emphasis in work-life balance and mental health. However, I was struggling to see a future for myself there. Without releasing too much information, I just wasn't very excited about the work I was doing and the projects that were assigned to me. This definitely ended up showing in my work as my efforts and quality began to deteriorate as I began to stabilize mentally. Almost as if I was waking up from a long dream, I started to realize where I was and what I was doing and began resenting it. Even to my friends, all I would do was complain about the work I was doing.
When these signs became more apparent, the company made the very logical and understandable decision to let me go. Why keep someone who doesn't even want to be there?
And now we are where I am today. Currently I'm still deciding what I to do but I think taking the necessary steps to recover emotionally should take priority. I do not want to end up in the same situation because of emotionally charged decisions. Afterwards, I want to focus on my portfolio, as I have been avoiding updating it because of some past trauma (the many hours in college labs, eyes glued to the screen as I decide to redesign my portfolio for the 5th time). I think working on my portfolio will allow me to heal as well as polish my front end development skills.
While there is a huge stigma around getting fired, I want to get away from that mentality. Many people experience getting fired and it sucks, but dealing with it in a healthy way allows for growth and can turn something sour and bitter into a learning experience. For me, it helped me learn more about myself as a designer and a person. I want to work for a company/product that I care about and allow me to develop the skills that I want to hone. Although it hurts to lose that initial stability, I will take this blow with stride and continue to grow into the designer/person I want to be.